I received a ding from Kellogg, but an admit from Ross. It's a bittersweet feeling, because getting dinged from anywhere is kind of a kick in the testes, but it does feel pretty damn good to know that I'll be quitting my job this summer. I still have to hear back from Wharton, Harvard and Stanford, but I'm assuming that Wharton is really the only one left that I'm in the running for. I have an outside shot at Stanford, but Harvard's a pretty solid lock to tell me to lick their asses.

Had I been able to do this again, I wouldn't have trusted Kellogg's online application as far as I could throw it. After I applied online, like everyone else, my application's status said something to the effect of "Your app is processing, we're currently matching all of your materials under one folder and don't fucking call the office because it annoys the shit out of us when dickface tards like you inundate Admissions with whiny calls that won't matter because you're worthless anyways." At least, that was my interpretation of the message.

So, like a good little applicant, I gave them a month to match my stuff. A month went by and my status still said the above, so I started to get nervous. I called the office and the pleasant sounding lady said not to worry. I gave it 2 more weeks and heard that people were starting to get admit calls. So, I called again and bitched and they looked up my application and gave me some startling news. "Oh. It looks like our online application system and our reviewing system weren't talking together correctly. Your application was incorrectly marked incomplete. But, it looks like you had everything in on time, so I'll go ahead and fix that and we'll start reviewing your application now." Are you kidding me? You'll START reviewing my application now??? You've already handed out admits and you'll START reviewing mine??? Jesus Christ. If I had no chance in hell of getting into your school before, not only do I have no chance in hell now, but you'll probably jizz on my essays and laugh at how hard I just got owned.

Moral of the story? Life's a bitch. And then you get into Ross.

posted by mbahunt @ 11:27 AM, ,

Something about arguing on the Internet and being retarded...

Have you ever visited those online forums about MBA admissions? Two popular ones are the student2student forum on Wharton's site and the BusinessWeek forum. If you have visited them, stay tuned. I have a bone to pick. If you haven't visited them, don't. Because if you do, you'll feel the retardation tunnel its way into the deep recesses of your brain.

OK, sure. You want to give people a way to discuss various aspects of the MBA application process, share tips and support each other. Unfortunately, just like any decent idea in life, morons start to get involved and fuck it up. Here are examples of my favorite people on these boards and some Pulitzer Prize winning excerpts from their mind-blowing posts.

The Stat Whore
"Got Ding as expected . Couldn't figure out why. I really need to understand the meaning of transparent as nothing I can see why I got ding.

M / 9 Years IT / A+ graduateand & post graduate / 760 GMAt ????"
Did you ever stop and consider why they make you write 147 essays about the most mundane shit you did for your extra-curricular activities? Yeah. That's right. Because it prevents stat whores like you from getting into business school. If you really think that your GMAT score alone could have gotten you an interview, then you really didn't deserve one anyways. I can't remember how many times an adcom member or that stupid "How to get an MBA" book said that your stats are just one data point they use to evaluate your candidacy. In fact, I'm willing to bet that after a certain point, they could give a damn if you got a 3.4 or a 3.7 GPA in college. I'm pretty sure they just want people that the entire school isn't going to want to punch in the urethra every time they open their mouths.

The "I'll Shit Myself if I Have To Wait Any Longer" Guy
"Hmmm so you mean I don't need to compulsively check the site as I've been doing? :P

Great (saracastic) - this means I'm either waiting for a phone call with good news... or an email which means otherwise. Sigh. Lord help me through the next 3 weeks..."
I swear to god. Someday, if I have kids (and I can already hear people out there saying, "Oh god, please no.") that start asking me when Christmas is on a daily basis starting on November 15th, I'm going to build a time machine to go back 10 years and castrate myself. I taught you how to count, now here's a calendar. If you ask me again, I'll kill Santa. Patience is a virtue. I have a lot of it for the application process, but unfortunately, I have none of it for you.

The Person Who Sucks at Life

I have come at very confusing moments of my life. Any thoughts are appriciated. I have admit from Wharton with 50 k in schol and from Harvard with no schol. Till yesterday I was confused with what I am going to choose and today I have job offer of $160 K..adding more to my confusion.."

I would feel extremely bad for this person if I ever had the capacity to feel bad for another human. Here's why. This person has no friends and is a pathological liar. First, if I got into Harvard and Stanford and received a 160k job offer, the last thing I would do is log onto an Internet forum and seek advice. Unless, of course, I was lying or had no friends to celebrate with. For example, if I said, "I met two wicked hot girls and don't know which one to bang, oh, Internet readers, help me choose!" then you would obviously laugh and kick sand at me. See the parallel? Second, if Harvard has begun to admit people who can't spell "appreciate" without a spell-check, then Harvard is immediately dropped off my list of schools I am interested in.

The Admissions Consultant
"well, prob. dont hurt to ask, at the end of the interview, they ask you if you have any questions for them (well, at the end of 60-70 percent of the interviews) and you might ask IN GENERAL if there is some way of getting expedited decision to cover a $$$ship deadline, b.c,. you are facing that choice? I'm pretty sure they will say NO, but that question wont hurt you.

A better strategy is just to ask school that accepted you, if you can delay responding for X days.................and even tell them what is on your mind, they may understand?

what does accepting other school mean, saying yes, and giving e.g. $2k???? Best thing is just accept and if you get in to H, tell them immediately, sorry, blah blah, they actually dont care as much as you think, lotsa kids in your situations, and schools have learned to build post accpet/rejections into their systems,"

Are you willing to give $1,000 to a person who has the grammar skills and thought creation process of an autistic 8-year-old? Right. Neither am I. If you wanted to learn how to think on your feet, go into an Irish Pub St. Pattie's day full-clad in orange and start a fight. Admissions consultants to me are kind of like Life Coaches. If you have one, you're a toolbag. Honestly though, good for you, Admissions Consultant. You've found a tardtastic demographic with disposable income to hand you money for something a friend with half a brain could have done for a beer.

The Blogger

There's really nothing worse than some prickwad crying about how much they hate Internet forums and the people on it. Actually, the only worse than that is the guy who does it anonymously and creates some pseudonym he thinks is clever, like "mbahunt". What, do you think MBA AdCom members have nothing better to do than go online, read your shitty diary, figure out who you are and then dock you for being a little bitch? Doubtful.

posted by mbahunt @ 11:28 PM, ,

Someone in adcom has been drinking lately...

...because they gave me interviews at Ross and Wharton. Kellogg, Ross and Wharton. Hahaha. Global warming must be affecting hell right now too.

Interviewing is always an interesting experience. When I go to meet my interviewer, I always hope that I'm about to be interviewed by someone who does crack, because the straight-forward interviews are so boring. I want someone to ask me some off the wall questions that really make me think. We all expect the standard fare, so when you ask us a run-of-the-mill question, you're just getting a practiced and recited answer. Here's a rundown of the common (read: boring) questions.

Question: Why an MBA?
What We Say: I feel that an MBA is a logical progression for my professional development. I am learning more than my fair share of skills in my current job, but unfortunately my areas of refinement are at the mercy of what work is readily available. However, by getting an MBA I have the ability to focus my efforts in improving myself in areas I truly want to get into.
What We Mean: I fucking hate my job.

Question: Why now?
What We Say: Being recently promoted, I think that this would be a beneficial time to take a natural break from working and get back into the classroom to recharge myself. I have lofty goals and I could spend years flailing around looking for ways to get there, or I could go to a place that will immediately direct me towards my future.
What We Mean: Because if I have to spend another year doing this shit, I will put a bullet in my pancreas, as a slow and painful death would help me forget how miserable my job makes me feel.

Question: Why this school?
What We Say: When I stepped onto this campus, it just felt right. There's something about the aura that surrounds the students here that makes it feel like home, and I couldn't appreciate that more. That alone tells me there is no other place I'd rather be, but in addition, academically, this school has by far the best opportunities for and the (whatever) department is bar-none the finest in the nation, nay, the world.
What We Mean: Would you rather me recite the shit I memorized from the website or the viewbook?

Question: What would you do after you get your MBA?
What We Say: Where do I start? (laughter) I really love the idea of helping people, and I don't think you have to relegate yourself to a life of sacrifice as a pauper to do so. Immediately after school, I want to get involved with business development in under-developed areas, but my ultimate goal is to open a consulting firm that specializes in helping under-represented minorities gain venture capital to start small businesses.
What We Mean: If you'd guarantee me a quarter million dollar salary, I'd kill babies and wear them as gloves.

Question: What is your biggest flaw?
What We Say: I think that I care too much. Sometimes I just get so passionate about what I do at work that it starts to affect other aspects of my life. Problems that arise at work can make me lose sleep or cause me to become distracted when I'm at home. However, this "flaw" also allows me to immerse myself in whatever I do and continuously perform at a very high level.
What We Mean: Are you kidding me? I'm perfect. They modeled Jesus Christ after me. Well, I guess if I HAD to pick something, I guess it would be that I don't tell people I have herpes until after we bang. But, that's not really a flaw.

posted by mbahunt @ 12:33 AM, ,

Dr. Phil is in.

In a recent comment, Megan said...

I just happened to come across your blog. I am a junior in college right now and have always had my sights set high on a masters program. I found your blog really entertaining. At the moment I'm trying to decide whether to do a 5-year masters & undergrad program at the school I'm at now or if I want to change schools so my degree is a bit more prestigious. Also trying to decide if I want to take time to work between undergrad and masters. Any advice, send it my way. :o)

Disclaimer: Asking me for advice on how to get your MBA is kind of asking a blind guy how awesome the sunset was. Or asking for financial planning at the Special Olympics. You're gonna get answers, but seeing how the source of the answers is so underqualified, you might do yourself more harm than good following that advice.

Megan, I suggest that you finish your undergrad degree, go work for a few years and then go the best damn school you can. My reasoning is based on some words of wisdom I have gathered along the way, which I have paraphrased below.

1. You only get one MBA.
Not only that, but you're going to be spending $100K and 2 years of your life, so you better be damn sure it's worth it. Think about it, if you could only own one purse for the rest of your life, would you get some piece of shit at Walmart or would you splurge on that Prada bag? It's the rest of your life. Get the brand name. If anyone tells you that the Podunk U MBA program is the most amazing program that will change your life, they're lying. Think about it. If I told you I'm a Stanford MBA, it doesn't really matter what I say next, because you'll believe it and think I'm a genius.

2. An MBA is worthless without work experience.

If you get your MBA immediately after college, your first job will pay you not much more than a first or second year employee. The only difference is that they now have more experience than you and don't owe a fuckload of money to some school. The best bang for your buck is to get your MBA as early as possible AFTER you work your first job. You'll get the biggest pay increase and open the most career opportunities.

3. If you don't work, your peers will hate your guts.
MBA students with awesome experience loathe MBA students straight out of college. If it were legal, I'm positive that they'd round up all the straight-out-of-college MBA students once a week and piss on their faces. As a college graduate, you really don't know anything. (Trust me. Start working and you'll realize how worthless college really is.) You need to work at least a little bit in order to be able to offer any intelligent insight worth anyone's time.

4. If you don't work, your peers will really hate your guts.
I went to a recruiting event and met all kinds of intelligent, well-traveled, experienced people that I have no chance in hell beating out for business school. However, there was one girl who asked this question during the open QA portion. "How important really is work experience to business schools? I mean, because I'm, like, only a college senior, but I have a ton of leadership experience with my sorority. I planned at least, like, 2 fundraiser dinners." I could see the current MBA students stifiling their desire to choke this girl. Though, I do hope they read her application right before mine, because I'm going to look like a fucking god next to her.

posted by mbahunt @ 1:18 AM, ,

Done, done, done, done, done.

Oh god, I'm done. Because these applications had prevented my from partaking in any of my vices for the past few months, the first things I did after I submitted my final application was shot Jaeger, clubbed a baby seal, had sex with an amputee, organized a bulldog fight, punched an old woman dressed up like an infant and then downloaded some MP3s. Man, did that feel good.

When all was said and done, I'm pretty happy with 3 of my 5 applications. The first two I did weren't as good, but they served as learning lessons. Too bad my dumb ass had to spend $500 for that learning lesson, so when little Bobby wonders why he doesn't have shoes or breakfast, he'll know that Daddy is a procrastinator and wastes money on grad school applications.

Now, I wait. I'll at least have one interview, since Kellogg interviews everyone, but I'm really hoping I have at least 3 by the time the end of February comes around. I feel like if I can land 3, my chances of getting into one school are pretty good, as my interview would probably be the strongest part of my application. If my charm and sweet-talking doesn't bowl the interviewer over, my stunning good looks will.

<bull shit>I want to wish everyone out there the best and hope you all get interviews and perform wonderfully in front of the adcom.</bull shit>

posted by mbahunt @ 12:31 AM, ,

Applying to business school is so easy.

A really great way to lose a shitload of sleep is to put your business school applications off to the last minute. I haven't posted in about a month and a half because I needed to eliminate all forms of distraction and focus on applying.

Distractions successfully eliminated: blogging.
Distractions not successfully eliminated: everything else.

In a last minute change of plans, I scratched Chicago off the list of schools I will apply to and added Michigan instead. I learned that if you actually read about the schools, they are indeed different. I'm pretty happy with my list of schools and I've now calculated my chances of getting in to one of them at 2.63%. (I'm not delusional about my candidacy.)

I have learned some really important lessons during this whole process, and I know you're creaming your pants to hear them, so here you go. I'm still not done yet, I only have the Harvard application done, but I'm so god damn sick of my essays that I really can't work on them anymore.

1. You will get so god damn sick of your essays.
Maybe it's because I decided to write all 94 of my essays in the span of about 11 days, but at this point I would rather drink a cup of type 6 HPV than keep editing these things. See, if you're smart and do your essays months in advance, you can get other schmucks to read and edit them for you. But, if you're a Pulitzer Prize winning writing god, like myself, everyone you know is a shitty writer compared to you, so you will have to do all your own editing and it sucks nuts. To tell you the truth, I'm not even really reading my essays anymore because I know what they say, and I'm probably missing the fact that I used about 5 racial slurs on average in each prompt.

2. Make sure the undergraduate school you went to isn't retarded.
Some schools make you hand type all your college grades into an Excel sheet and submit them that way. Others want actual transcripts straight from your school. That's fine, but apparently my school's registrar hires their employees through a Down Syndrome outreach program, so needless to say it was quite a trial getting some official transcripts. When I finally did get them, it looked like they had been chewed on, so I don't know.

3. You suck at life.
Face it, you're pretty unremarkable. I know this because if you really are one of those b-school applicants who owns 3 companies and did 17 years of charity work in Somalia, you probably could give a shit what some assfaced blogger has to say about applying to business school. To the rest of us normal people, it's kind of hand to reword your extra-curricular activities and awards/recognition into stuff that doesn't make you sound like a piece of shit. I really tried, but the "Coke Snorting Club" and "Beer Bash '01: Best Impression of Christopher Reeve" just don't sound good when you put them down on paper. I'm convinced that people who have a nice fat list of stuff are either lying or unemployed, so I'm hoping that those massive blank spaces on my application won't hurt me too much.

4. If studying makes you horny, then the business school application process is like spanish fly.
That's pretty self explanatory (not really).

Stay tuned for updates on my status at each school, but it's gonna be boring to watch me get dinged everywhere.

Oh, and to AkilKalel: You are fucked. You can't change the GMAT keyboards to Dvorak. You have to do it in QWERTY. Actually, though, if you're a strong writer, you should have more than enough time and typing slow won't really hurt you.

posted by mbahunt @ 11:18 PM, ,

I actually want to get letters of recommendations.

Note to self: If I ever have an underling come up to me and ask me for a letter of recommendation, grab nearest sharp object, make stabbing motion towards source of request and run far away.

I already had my recommenders lined up, but I finally got around to sending out the formal letter requests through the school's application websites. I took a peek at what my recommenders actually had to do, and I nearly shit. Jesus Christ, do they have to write a lot. Furthermore, none of the letters are remotely similar. There was no way in hell I'd get these people to write 7 completely different letters. These aren't your ordinary simple, "omg i think b skool is grate 4 him," kind of letters. And if you applied to Stanford? They expect recommenders to write some pretty intense responses.

I actually dropped Dartmouth and Michigan off of my list of schools I will apply to, solely to keep the number of recommendation letters lower. The last thing I want to happen is to have them do a half-assed job because there's so much writing to do and have that fuck me somewhere along the way.

I ended trying to group different questions from different school together to try and reduce the amount of work that they'd have to do, but I know this is still asking a lot. Since my company is really just a mass congregation of alcoholics, I'm just hoping that they stay relatively sober over the next month so that they a) actually finish these things and b) sound somewhat coherent in their endorsement of me.

posted by mbahunt @ 3:58 PM, ,

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